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Saturday, January 5, 2013

Lamentations of the New Year

And in those days did many resolve to change their ways and make their lives better, for it was January 1, 2013, and they said unto themselves, "Lo, for today is the first day of the rest of the year."

And in that land there dwelt one who said, "Lo, I shall go to the gym and get myself back in shape."

And he went unto the gym and did the nautilus and the stairmaster, and even though there were many there who were better shape than he who were clearly much older, he did not lose heart.  Rather, he reaffirmed his resolve all the more.  And the evening and the morning and the first day.

And on the second day, he went unto the gym again, for although his muscles were sore and he walked like unto an injured duck, so that his wife remarked unto him, "Didst thou pull something?  Thou walkest like unto an injured duck," he said unto himself, "This is a good pain," and hardened his resolve all the more.  Only this day he did not do the nautilus for he thought he remembered having read somewhere thou shalt not do weights but thrice a week, but only the stairmaster, only not so much as the day before.

And in that gym there dwelt people who were lean and hard, and whose body mass index would just make thee sick to look upon, and one of them who looked like she couldn't have been more than eighteen, did ascend the stairmaster next to him and did give him funny looks out of the corner of her eye as they were running, for lo, he was huffing mightily and sweating like unto a pig.

And on the way home did he spy a Dunkin Donuts, which though not as good as Krispee Kreme art not an abomination by a long shot, for when hast thou ever had a bad donut?  And besides, donuts are nutritious for athletes containing health-giving carbs.  And he bought a dozen and ate them in the car, throwing the empty box in the neighbor's trashcan lest his wife should behold it and say unto him, "Lo, hast thou eaten a dozen donuts?  Hast thou lost thy tiny mind?"  And the evening and the morning and the second day.

And on the third day he meant to go unto the gym, he really did, he had his gym bag packed and everything, but instead he went to Dunkin Donuts and ate donuts and drank coffee for the approximate length of time it would have taken him to work out.  And when he returned unto the house he did not affirm he had been to the gym, neither did he deny it, but allowed his wife to draw her own conclusions.  And the evening and the morning and the third day.

And on the fourth day, his wife said unto him, "Art thou going to the gym today?" And he did not answer her, but only kept watching Homeland, for lo, it was an episode he had not seen yet.

And in the sixth month of that year, his wife rebuked him, "Are thou going to the gym again or not, for thou hast not been since January and there be no point in wasting good money in a membership if thou wilt not use it."  And he spoke harshly unto her, saying, "Alright, alright, if you don't want to support me, go ahead and cancel!  I try doing something for myself once in a while, get myself in shape, and see what happens!"

And so it came to pass the gym membership was cancelled and no more was spoken of it.

Amen.

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