The New Apps

Sucker! You know those pesky emails you get from the Ivory Coast, where someone claims to have ten million dollars US but needs a handy account to transfer it to?  This app will answer all those for you, supplying your bank account numbers, ATM password, and any other helpful information, thereby freeing you up to spend more time researching penny stocks or looking for Russian brides.

Virtual Cat.  Ever wished to own a cat but never got around to it?  Virtual Cat will yowl at odd hours, cough up hairballs in the bathroom, claw the woodwork, and pee on the divan.  Every three months a veterinary bill will arrive for $400.

Snark-O.  If you're serious about mastering the social networks, you need Snark-O.  Fill out a questionnaire about your tastes and beliefs regarding politics, religion, culture, and sex, and Snark-O will comb the internet for the latest-breaking news, and randomly generate snarky commentary using its database of ironic catch-phrases and put-downs.  It then tweets these and posts them on Facebook for you, making you look like the hip trendsetter we all wish to be.

LIBOR-Fixer.  Finally a way to manipulate exchange rates that's fast and easy for everyone to use.  You'll need a hefty bank account to start with ($100 to 300 billion) but LIBOR-Fixer takes all the guesswork out of interest rate swaps, foreign currency options, and forward rate agreements.  A must have for anyone negotiating a new car- or home-loan or anyone seeking to make Western Capitalism collapse like a house of cards.

Tourettes-To-Go:  Now your smartphone will randomly shout out graphic obscenities, insults, and meaningless yawps at work, home, and play.  A great conversation-stopper.