I Heart Indies

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

My Speech to the Graduates

First, I would like to thank the president for inviting me to address you today.  I realize technically I wasn't "invited" but just ran up here and grabbed the microphone, but still, before Campus Security comes and grabs me, there's a few things I'd like to say.

My grandfather once told me, "There are three essential things you must always remember."  When I heard his simple wisdom, it was as if a little flower had taken root in my soul and spread sunshine across the bright field of my dreams.  Looking out over your faces, all covered with promise and pimples, I am reminded of those three things, which are...

Damn.

I was just thinking of them a second ago.  I swear, they're right on the tip of my tongue.

In any case, you are at a crossroads today.  One road leads to the City of Success and Fulfillment and the other to the outskirts of Loserville, and the Street of Broken Dreams.  To find your way and choose the correct path, you must follow the GPS signal of your heart.

Dear God, stop me before I take this metaphor any further.

Looking back, I realize my college years were the happiest of my life, which should give you an idea of what a hideously depressing existence I have lived.

Oh, wait a minute!  I just remembered the three things grandpa told me.

Uh-oh.  Here comes Campus Security.

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