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Sunday, December 23, 2012

My Mother's Favorite Christmas Joke

For no particular reason, here's my mother's favorite Christmas joke.

Do you know why we have an angel on top of the tree?

Well, once upon a time, Santa got out of bed, and his lumbago was hurting him worse than ever, and he walked downstairs where his traditional breakfast of eggnog and cookies was waiting.  He took one sip of eggnog, and spat it out.

"Ugh, what's wrong with this eggnog?"

"It's soy milk eggnog.  Unsweetened.  The doctor said its better for your cholesterol."

Santa disconsolately took a bite of cookie and spat it out as well.  "Gahh, and the cookies?"

"Gluten free, no sugar, no eggs, no milk, no butter."

Grumbling and hungry Santa left the house.  The birds were singing, the flowers were blooming, the temperature was a balmy seventy-three degrees.  It was December at the North Pole.  "&#@!! Global Warming," Santa said angrily.  (Being half-elf, he could actually pronounce &#@!!.)

In the workshop, he found none of the elves at their benches.  "What's going on?" he demanded of his head elf.  "Christmas Eve is tomorrow night!"

"We're on strike," the head elf said.  "Out of solidarity to our brother elves in China making all those iPods."

Feeling his blood pressure rise dangerously, Santa decided to get out of there before he started kicking some serious elf booty, but when he went to the reindeer pen, the news wasn't any better.

"Looks like Dasher won't be pulling the sleigh this year," the keeper said.  "Someone gave him Reindeer AIDS.  We're pretty sure it was Dancer."

Santa said a string of ampersands, pound signs, asterisks, and exclamation marks.

"Oh, yeah, and by the way, Vixen's pregnant.  Again."

Santa went back inside and Mrs. Claus said, "You need to wash up.  It's almost time for lunch."

"No more of those cookies," Santa said.  "I'd rather eat seaweed and mineral water."

"Well, good.  Because that's just what we're having."

Just then, there was a knock at the door.  Santa opened it, and standing there was a beautiful angel with a long flowing gown, great graceful wings, and a halo.  In her hand she held a Christmas tree.

She asked Santa, "Where do you want me to stick this?"

And that's why we have an angel on top of the tree.