I Heart Indies

Sunday, December 16, 2012

Conversation with the Cable Company

"Hello, you've reached Universe Cable Company's service department.  How can I help you?"

"Yes, I see there's been some good shows on HBO lately, and I'd like to add that channel."

"Excellent.  For just $95.99 extra a month, I can sign you up with our 'Basic Plus' Package."

"Good Lord, that much just to get HBO?"

"But you don't just get HBO, sir, you also get the Weather Channel, the Home Shopping Network, and five channels of ESPN: ESPN Football, ESPN Baseball, ESPN Croquet..."

"I get the idea, I get the idea.  But I don't watch sports on even one channel, some I'm hardly interested in not watching it on five.  I like the channels I get now, but can I add HBO?  Just that and nothing else?"

"Well, we could sign you up for 'Basic Plus Premium, that gives you eight hundred channels and it's only $205.25 extra a month.  You get three HBO channels, plus seven ESPN Channels, the Wild West Network, the Barbie Channel..."

"What, in the name of all that's holy, is the Barbie Channel?"

"Non-stop streaming commercials for Barbie and Barbie-related merchandise to order on line or by phone."

"I'd rather watch fingernails scraping a blackboard."

"I don't think we have that channel, sir."

"Look, isn't it possible, I just want to add HBO, just that.  Nothing else.  Can't I just order that one additional channel?"

"Well, there's Basic Plus Premium Deluxe..."

"And I bet it costs a million dollars."

"Not when you pay by the month.  It gives you the Al Qaeda Network, The Praise Jesus and Send Money Network, the Hummel Figurines Channel, The War in the Pacific Channels, Sea-Monkey TV, and if you get bored with that, a real-live station manager will come and dance naked on your dining-room table."

"Okay, I can't resist.  Sign me up."

"You want the Basic Premium Deluxe?"

"Yes, why not.  What the heck.  It's only money.  At this point I'll do anything to get out of this conversation."

"Very good, I've set up your credit card to automatically debit monthly payments of $88,000, beginning immediately, and...  Oh... wait a minute."

"What is it?"

"That package doesn't come with HBO.

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