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Thursday, December 27, 2012

About Your Proposal

Sandy McCulloch, a Corvallis, Oregon 82-year-old wears a paper sign around his neck that reads, “WANTED: A WIFE.” His low-tech message describes that he’s searching for a companion over the age of 60 who loves books, has a sense of humor, and lives in Corvallis. - Yahoo News

Dear Mr. McCulloch - or may I call you Sandy? - I saw you wearing your sign the other day and something happened, it was like electricity running through me, or perhaps my hearing aid malfunctioning again.  I said to myself, "Edna, sweet talkers like him don't come along every day, and if he talks as sweet as he writes signs, whoa Nellie!"

I guess I've always been a sucker for a good-looking man, especially if he's wearing a sign around his neck asking me to do something.  For instance, you know those people that ride around in cars saying ask me about Vitamite or Jesus, or whatever?  Well, I always ask them.  Sometimes they look puzzled, but they usually answer, too.  I'm just that way.  Once I saw a man wearing a shirt that said, "Follow me to Cloud Canyon."  Well, I followed him, but he didn't go to Cloud Canyon, just to a townhouse in Dunwoody.  I waited outside on the sidewalk until the police came for me.  I've got forty ex-bums working around the house doing various odd-jobs because they were wearing signs saying, "Will work for food."  I pay them in peanut butter sandwiches.

So you probably want to know a little bit about me.  I have a little bit of a weight problem because I keep eating pecan pie.  I actually hate pecans, but every day I walk by a restaurant that says, "Try our pecan pie."  I try it every day, but it never gets any better.  I lost my husband a few years ago.  He went in the WalMart to get some new boxer shorts and never came out.  When we went back and looked at the security tape, there was a man who looked a lot like him sneaking out the back way.  My sign is Libra (I already know what your sign is, ha-ha)  and I am very spiritual.  Last week I saw a sign about L Ron Hubbard and became a Scientologist.  Before that I was a Mormon.  Before that Jehovah's WItness.  I nearly became a Shiite for a little bit, but it turned out I'd misread the sign.  It was just some graffiti.

I have to admit I've been in trouble with the law a couple of times.  Once I was in a restaurant, and I saw a little room that said "Men."  There weren't any men in there, though, except one, and he kept his back to me.  Then he left, and gave me kind of a mean look.  A little later a policeman arrived, but I don't think that's what the sign meant.  I went back and told the restaurant owner he needed to change it.

Anyway, in response to your proposal, my answer is yes, yes, yes!   I can hear wedding bells chiming which means my hearing aid is definitely malfunctioning, so I'll sign off here.

Edna Crumb

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