Planning for My Retirement

First of all, I have to figure how much money I'll need for retirement.  To start with, I'll need to replace my annual salary plus add a modest amount for playing baccarat.  I've never played baccarat and don't have the least idea how it's played, but it's something I've seen James Bond doing, and it looks like the kind of thing that'd be fun to do in retirement.  Of course, I'd have to get a tuxedo and that'll also run into money.

Then I've got to total up all the income I can expect to draw from my investments.  This is tricky because some of my investments are hard to calculate.  For example that plastic sack I have full of "Beanie Babies."  Currently the market price for Beanie Babies is down, I prefer to think of it as "a correction," but pretty soon I expect the craze will return full-force, and then, boy, will I be sitting pretty.  Ditto for the commemorative six-pack of Cokes I bought during the Atlanta Olympics.

So even optimistically, counting on baccarat winnings and a healthy return from my Beanie Baby investment, it looks like I'll come up a little short if I want to retire at 65.  Maybe I can take on a part-time job to sort of fill in the chinks.  One possibility is becoming a bank robber.  High pay, short work days, no special skills required, and you get to meet people.

Nancy would need a part-time job, too.  Maybe she could be a WalMart greeter or better still, one of those ladies that spreads lobster-mousse on crackers at the Costco.  That'd be a great job, just stand there giving people crackers, and at the end of the day, I bet you get to take home all the lobster-mousse nobody's eaten.

While we're at it, Zoe could get a part-time job as well.  As far as I can tell, Zoe doesn't do a darn thing to pull her weight around here except sleep, lick herself, and bark at imaginary noises.  There aren't many jobs out there for someone with Zoe's skill set, for which she has only herself to blame.  With all her free time, it's inexcusable she wasn't training up to be a seeing-eye dog or sniff drugs or something.  What's she's good at is rolling on the ground.  I've never seen anyone that could beat her at that.  Maybe she could help out gardeners who have scattered seeds.  She could roll on them and push them in the ground.  If there's anything rotten and really bad-smelling she's great at finding that, too.  Surely some CSI folks somewhere could use a dog like that.  I'll check Craig's List.

So let's see.  Beanie Baby investment, part time jobs for me, Nancy, and Zoe.

I better turn out to be darn good at baccarat.