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Sunday, November 18, 2012

Petition to Secede from the Human Race

On behalf of myself and any fellow-signers of this petition, I hereby request the Lord Almighty to permit me to peacefully secede from the human race and join some other species, perhaps the bonobo monkeys or bottle-nosed dolphins.  I also would not mind being a Golden Retriever.

ARTICLE ONE: HUMANS PERSISTENTLY BEHAVE IN A MANNER THAT EMBARRASSES THEIR FELLOW CREATURES.  To wit, an extremely high-ranking general had an affair with his biographer, supposedly an intelligent woman, a PhD candidate, wife and mother, who sent offensive and threatening messages to yet another woman, a prominent socialite.  This socialite, also married, seems to have been on the receiving end of still other messages of a sexual nature from yet another high-ranking general.  The FBI agent who initially brought forth this information had also sent shirtless photos to the socialite.  Again, it must be stated, these are not adolescents or hill-billies, nor are they guests on Jerry Springer, but elite, high-ranking individuals.

ARTICLE TWO: HUMANS TAKE WHATEVER IS BEAUTIFUL AND PROFOUND AND TWIST IT INTO UGLY SILLINESS.  To wit, proponents of a religion whose name means "peace," engage in acts of random violence around the world.  Followers of a prophet who said to judge not one another and that God loves all people, attend funerals with placards reading, "GOD HATES FAGS."  Members of a religious group that has been persecuted and dispossessed throughout history, have claimed an historic homeland, persecuting and dispossessing the population they found there.

ARTICLE THREE: HUMANS SEEM INCAPABLE OF REMAINING CONSISTENT EVEN WITH THEIR OWN STATED PRINCIPLES.  To wit, following a recent election, disappointed voters, in the name of upholding American values such as the Constitution, representative democracy, and the rule of law, have threatened to secede from the nation in violation of the principles of the Constitution, democracy, and the rule of law.

For these reasons and others too many to enumerate here, I respectfully request I be permitted to secede from the human species.  Again, I would prefer to be a monkey or a bottle-nosed dolphin, but I would be content as a Golden Retriever.

Signed,
Man Martin

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