Thursday, November 1, 2012
An Open Letter to the Humans from One of those Big Roaches That's Been Coming Into Your House Lately
As a representative of the Master Species, I have been asked to address you regarding the treatment some of my cousins have received upon entering your domicile. Thanks to an unusually warm summer (and I do mean thanks, really, we of the Master Species appreciate it) a lot more of us have hatched and survived to adulthood than previous years. Now that the weather is finally turning cooler, some of us are venturing inside where it is warm. When you have found one of us, you have behaved in the most inhospitable way imaginable to your guest.
Perhaps you think that we find you as revolting as you find us. This is not so. We find you infinitely more revolting than that. Imagine all the feelings of disgust you feel upon seeing one of our number, and now imagine that it is a hundred times larger than you and can easily crush you under one of its spiny legs. Ha ha ha. We imagine this sort of thing all the time.
Sometimes, not content with merely crushing us - unwilling to smear us over your precious hardwood floor - you delicately pick us up in a paper towel and drop us in the toilet. Perhaps you imagine that we might enjoy the novel sensation of being swirled around and around as we are sucked into a vortex of doom. We not not enjoy this. There are many things you would not enjoy either, and we have had millions of years to think of what these are, and how we will do them to you, and how to make sure you definitely do not enjoy them.
Our prophets tell us that Global Warming, Overpopulation, and the Proliferation of Nuclear Weapons are all signs that the Beginning Times are at hand. Be warned. One day the earth will be unfit for any but the Master Species, but before then will come a time when pathetic fleshy weaklings, with their soft outer bodies and highly-edible eyeballs will fall under our dominion. I will not say it will go lighter with you if you treat us with courtesy now, for we find you loathsome in every way, except as previously alluded to, those tasty eyeballs of yours, and will surely wipe you out when the Beginning Times arrive, but it will go infinitely harder on those against whom we bear a particular grudge. The Master Species has a long memory and a very good imagination.
If you wish your end to be painless and brief, let us go about our business without interference when we enter your house. Better still, move out of your house and leave it to us. And leave the refrigerator open.
That is all.
Awaiting the Beginning Times,