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Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Micahelangelo's Lost Notebooks

Damn Cosimo de Medici still hasn't paid me for the statue he commissioned.  Says he doesn't like how "it came out."  Well, whose idea was it to carve him on pogo sticks is what I'd like to know.  How I hate him.  He is so evil and corrupt.  And he calls me Mikey.

Pope Julius II has offered me a commission to paint the Sistine Chapel ceiling.  I say to him, "I'm a sculptor, not a painter, what's a matter you?"  And Two-Sticks (I always call him Two-Sticks, he hates that.  Ha-ha.) is all like, "Look, no big deal.  A couple of rollers, a couple of gallons of antique white, you'll have it knocked out in a weekend."  I say, "Why don't you get Leonardo, he's a painter, isn't he?"  "He's busy," Two-Sticks says, "can't spare the time."  Da Vinci has been working the last ten years on the same "masterpiece."  A picture of a woman sitting in a chair.  Says he can't get the expression right.  Sometimes he has her sticking out her tongue, sometimes she has buck teeth, once she had a mustache.  Still Leonardo is dissatisfied.   Loser.

Ten Gallons Each: Red, Blue, Yellow, Black, White @ 20 lire a gallon......................................100 lire
One Half-Gallon Fuscia............................................................................................................10 lire
Brushes....................................................................................................................................40 lire
Drop cloths...............................................................................................................................30 lire
Mineral Spirits...........................................................................................................................20 lire
Painters Tape..............................................................................................................................5 lire
Beef Jerky...................................................................................................................................1 lire

Total.......................................................................................................................................211   206 lire

Leonardo came to inspect my progress today.  He is so wise.  A wise-ass that is, ha-ha!  He was all like, "Don't forget to dot the eyes, Mikey."  And "You missed a spot, Mikey."  He knows I hate that name.  So I said, "That's what your mama said last night."  It didn't even make sense, but I had to say something.  He makes me so mad.  He said, "I'd like to stick around and watch you finish, but I've got to design a flying machine and paint a couple dozen or so more masterpieces.  I'm nearly done with my Mona Lisa.  She's going to be blowing out her lips like this, blb-blb-blb-blb," and he made a noise strumming his finger over his lips.  I visualized it and knew it would be a masterpiece.  Meanwhile I'm stuck here painting someone's ceiling.  Tears filled my eyes, I was so jealous.

I told Two-Sticks it would take four years to finish this ceiling.  Really it will only take three years, eleven months, thirty days, and twenty-two hours.  This way, I still get paid for the whole thing and get some time off at the end to make a sandwich.

Life is no longer worth living.  My one great work, and I have botched it.  The centerpiece was to be "The Creation of Adam," God reaching down from the sky to shake hands with Adam.  But I miscalculated the distance, and their hands don't even touch.  Almost but not quite.  Missed it by inches.  Now the whole thing is ruined.  I should have opened a pizzeria like Mama said.

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