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Monday, October 1, 2012

Helping Out the Postal Service

I read that the Postal Service is defaulting on a 5 billion-dollar payment.  (See, I do read.)
In the spirit of public service, I'd like to offer a few suggestions.

  1. Each year, you deliver tons of mail telling the occupants they may have already won TEN MILLION DOLLARS or that they've been selected for a FREE VACATION at a time-share condo.  This is stupid.  Keep all that mail for yourself - it's valuable!
  2. Go through all your mail trucks carefully - look under the floor mats and behind the seat cushions.  It's surprising how much money you may find there.
  3. Change your marketing plan.  Basically, when you think about it, the Postal Service is just the world's slowest and least technological Social Media.  Start offering Games: invite your customers in Atlanta to form a word with randomly-selected Scrabble tiles.  Show the created word to another customer, say, in Seattle, to form his own word either across or down.  In five or seven years, these two players can look forward to the conclusion of an edge-of-your seat-competition.  More players can join for an even slower and more tedious game!
  4. Last and best of of all, raise the price of stamps from 45 cents to 5 billion dollars.  This will solve the whole problem.  At those prices, you won't sell many stamps, but you only need to sell one.

Anyway, I'm confident if you follow my advice, the US Postal Service will be on the same firm financial footing as Social Security or Medicare.
Good luck.

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