Monday, September 3, 2012
Paul's Letter to the Panama Beachians
Paul, a servant of Jesus Christ, called to be an apostle: Grace to you and peace from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ.
First, I thank my God through Jesus Christ for all of you, that you have arrived safe in Panama City Beach. For God is my witness, whom I serve in my spirit in the Good News of his Son, how unceasingly I make mention of how handy is the GPS, and that I-185, really did cut off a lot of time, even though you have to drive through Flomaton.
Now I don’t desire to have you unaware, brothers, that I often planned to come to you, and was hindered so far, because I just couldn't get away this week, you know how work is. For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men, who suppress the truth in unrighteousness, because they do not put on SPF 20 at least, or having put it on once, say unto themselves, "We need not apply it again, for we have already," and so professing themselves to be wise, they became fools, believing that sunscreen is waterproof when the label clearly says it is not, and in the final days they will be sorry when their back peels, and lo I shall say unto them, "I told you so, but did you listen?"
Also heed well what you wear upon the beach for you are not a teenager anymore, and really do you think a thong is a good idea at your age, for there are some sights the heart does not joy to look upon, and one of them is a fifty-year-old body in a Speedo. Amen.
Therefore you are without excuse, O man, if you fail to wash the sand from your body thoroughly before going into the condo, for whosoever brings sand into the condo is an abomination where everyone has to deal with it. So rinse thoroughly.
Also, on one night shalt thou eat spaghetti, on one night chicken, and on the third night, shalt thou go out to eat at a restaurant that's nice but not too expensive where everyone may get what they like to the Glory of God. But if thou goest to the Captain's Table Restaurant, order not the raw oysters on the shell. Ask me not how I know this.
But glory, honor, and peace go to every man who works good, and plays fair at Scrabble, for it is written that "in the beginning was the word," but I beg you, brothers, look out for those who are causing the divisions and occasions of stumbling, and arguing about every little-bitty rule, and taking forever to play, and using words like "cwm" which no one ever heard of, and then getting in a bad mood and quitting when they lose, contrary to the doctrine which you learned, and turn away from them. For those who are such don’t serve our Lord, Jesus Christ, but just want to win, and their temper tantrums annoy everyone, but I desire to have you wise in that which is good, but innocent in that which is evil and if you get into a one of those shops, see if you can buy me a pet hermit crab because my old one died, and the God of peace will quickly crush Satan under your feet. The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you.