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Saturday, September 29, 2012

Job Performance Review from My Dog

For CY 2012 (Canine Year, approximately 2 months) your job evaluation in the following areas:

WALKING: 
NEEDS IMPROVEMENT.  Walks were taken on a daily basis, with short "pee trips" outside during the day.  However, there was significantly little opportunity for chasing squirrels up trees, nor was there sufficient time allotted for sniffing at bases of trees and similar locations where other dogs had peed impeding the ability to gather this vital information.

HEAD-SCRATCHING, TUMMY-RUBBING: 
ADEQUATE.  There has been a noticeable drop-off in tummy-rubbing hours, partly offset by an increase in head-scratching and patting.  While all contact is desirable, head-scratching and patting is no substitute for tummy-rubbing; moreover, there has been a shocking decline in the number of hours spent scratching my back near the base of my tail in a way that makes my back leg go up and down uncontrollably.  You know I love that.  I expect to see more in the coming quarter.

FEEDING: 
POOR.  You continue giving me that bland crap out of a bag or else bland mushy crap out of a can.  This is particularly inexcusable when I see you let perfectly good food go to waste by eating it yourself. I cannot perform my own responsibilities of napping, barking at noises, chasing squirrels, and sniffing trees and elsewhere where other dogs have peed with an inadequate diet.  Were it not for your habit of spilling food on the floor where I can get to it, I might never get a decent meal in this house.  Once in a while, it might be a good idea, rather than dropping a morsel at a time, to let an entire pot roast or chicken fall on the floor.  I have been anticipating you might do this for some time, and have been disappointed at how many opportunities you let slip by to do this.  I expect more bacon, chicken, and pot roast to land on the floor in the upcoming quarter.

RESPONSE TO BARKING: 
EXCELLENT.  You continue to excel in the area of prompt response when I bark at real or imagined noises.  Particularly commendable is your reaction when I bark during the middle of one of your naps.  I am frankly impressed by your ability to clear the couch cushions by a good two inches after being awakened unexpectedly from a pleasant dream.  Even when you are not asleep, your response to sudden barking is more than satisfactory.  Whenever the house is too silent, I can start barking in full confidence you will start making noise, too, shouting at whatever I heard or think I hear, "Shut up!  Shut up!  Stop it!"  Your support in this area is very helpful.  Not only are you expressing righteous anger at whatever that noise might be up to, you significantly contribute to the overall volume of noise in the house.

OVERALL EVALUATION: 
FAIR.  I believe by bringing the other areas mentions, particularly FEEDING and TUMMY-RUBBING, you can anticipate a much more favorable Performance Review in CY 2013.

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