Monday, July 16, 2012
Mitt Romney's Finances
Say Romney saw a corporation with a value of a eighty-five zillion dollars, but which had a book value of a hundred zillion: well, he goes and borrows a hundred zillion against the equity in the company, buys it for eighty-five zillion, and is still left with fifteen zillion to invest elsewhere, and meanwhile he improves the company's economic performance by re-calibrating its fidubiary fiscal reserves and adjusting its year end, year-over-year, yearly annual year. And he takes all the Nutter-Butters out of the break room.
Fifteen zillion is then deducted from the company's pension fund to pay for long-distance phone calls and paper clips; however, this being a Tuesday, there's a rebate of five zillion which is given back to the pension fund minus a two zillion processing and handling fee retained by Bain, which means at the end of the fiscal day, the pension fund is only out twelve zillion dollars instead of fifteen. Bain having retained two zillion (remember that part?) 12+2=14, leaving another zillion out there which nobody except Romeny can figure out where it went.
Surely, this is clear to anyone.
With the zillion-dollar profit, Romney fills four glass jars:
1. On-going capital expenditures.
2. Foreseeable unbelievable receivable shortfalls
3. Money lost under couch cushions and in the bottom of the sock drawer
4. Off-shore Cayman island accounts
5. Off-shore Swiss-bank accounts
6. Collectible "Donald Trump" Bobble-heads
7. Off-planet accounts on one of the moons of Pluto, yet to be named
8. Nutter-Butters for personal supply
I hope this settles matters and we can move on now.