I Heart Indies

Monday, July 16, 2012

Mitt Romney's Finances

Romney's Economic Stimulus Plan: Carrot and stick cause Mule (A) to
run on treadmill, waking up sleeping Bank Regulator (B) who knocks
over coffee, leading to coffee shortage causing Undocumented Alien (C)
to return to Columbia for work.  Puzzled Economist (D) stoops to observe
this, bumping door.  Hearing knock, nervous Lawyer (E) begins shredding
documents, causing what appears to be snowfall in July.  Believing
Global Warming is at an end, environmentalist Congressman (F) gives go
ahead for drilling in Arctic, leading to cheap oil and jobs for everyone.
A lot of nonsense and suspicion has been bruited about regarding Mitt Romney's finances, and while I don't claim to be an economist (actually, I do claim to be one) I think it's high time I stepped up and explained just what's going on.
Say Romney saw a corporation with a value of a eighty-five zillion dollars, but which had a book value of a hundred zillion: well, he goes and borrows a hundred zillion against the equity in the company, buys it for eighty-five zillion, and is still left with fifteen zillion to invest elsewhere, and meanwhile he improves the company's economic performance by re-calibrating its fidubiary fiscal reserves and adjusting its year end, year-over-year, yearly annual year.  And he takes all the Nutter-Butters out of the break room.
Fifteen zillion is then deducted from the company's pension fund to pay for long-distance phone calls and paper clips; however, this being a Tuesday, there's a rebate of five zillion which is given back to the pension fund minus a two zillion processing and handling fee retained by Bain, which means at the end of the fiscal day, the pension fund is only out twelve zillion dollars instead of fifteen.  Bain having retained two zillion (remember that part?) 12+2=14, leaving another zillion out there which nobody except Romeny can figure out where it went.
Surely, this is clear to anyone.
With the zillion-dollar profit, Romney fills four glass jars:

1. On-going capital expenditures.
2. Foreseeable unbelievable receivable shortfalls
3. Money lost under couch cushions and in the bottom of the sock drawer
4. Off-shore Cayman island accounts
5. Off-shore Swiss-bank accounts
6. Collectible "Donald Trump" Bobble-heads
7. Off-planet accounts on one of the moons of Pluto, yet to be named
8. Nutter-Butters for personal supply

I hope this settles matters and we can move on now.

1 comment:

  1. Best thing I've read all day. Best thing I've read about Mitt Romney's finances ever.