Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Nose Hairs and Ear Hairs
Dear Powers That Be:
I wish to register a complaint with whoever's in charge up there of hair follicles or whatever about this disposition of hair on my head. As hair has fallen from my scalp, leaving it as bare as the windswept plain, it has begun sprouting from my nostrils and ears. This has been going on for sometime now, and I'm sure you think it's very funny, but really enough is enough. Losing your hair is bad enough without losing it and then finding tufts of it growing from holes in your head. This is tantamount to a surgeon removing someone's leg and grafting onto his chin. I cannot understand what purpose this serves, except to get a good laugh up in heaven, unless this is evolution's way of warning off potential mates: Stay Away From This One! He's Got Hair Coming Out of His Ears! Similar to a Monarch Butterfly's bright colors warning potential predators: Back Off! Not Good to Eat! If you don't mind my saying so, the Monarch Butterfly got the better end of that bargain, and I'd switch places with him in a second as far as hair growing out of the ears is concerned.
In fact, as I think of it, it seems to me you have reserved your cruelest jokes when it comes to aging especially for the human species. The Silverback Gorilla, for example, develops gray hair along its back, but it doesn't seem to do him any harm. In fact, the whole species is named for it. It's a mark of dignity. No one would call the human species Homo My-God-What-Is-With-Your-Toenails-They're-Disgusting-Cover-Them-Up-Why-Don't-You Sapiens. The male peacock, upon approaching its dotage, may lose its magnificient plumage, but it doesn't start growing feathers out of its beak, or if it does, it's something I'd like to see. This is the whole essence of my complaint: it's sad enough losing part of your face without having it switched around on you, as if the gods had suddenly started to play Mr Potatohead with your appearance. I know you are all powerful and infinite and everything, but if you think it's a piece of cake mowing down the shrubbery in your ears and nose each morning, I suggest you try taking some part of you, like say, a supernova, and sticking it somewhere it doesn't normally belong, your ass comes naturally to mind, but that's just a thought, and see how you like it.