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Sunday, January 29, 2012

Prometheus January 29

"God, I hate Mondays."
Prometheus and his brother Epimetheus 1 had the task of creating all life on earth for which purpose they were given a big bag of gifts to distribute to their creations.  When you hear the word gifts, don’t think SmartPhones or gift cards to Outback; these are metaphorical gifts.  Epimetheus made a whole bunch of animals really quickly because animals are simple to make, whereas Prometheus, who was making humans, worked very, very slowly because the human body is so elegant and exquisitely crafted. 2 Anyway, by the time Prometheus was done, his brother had used up all the gifts on the animals.  So Prometheus was like, “You gave the gift of regenerating severed claws to the snow crab – I was going to give that to the humans!” and “You gave all the Trichonympha microbes to the termites!  Now how will my people be able to digest cellulose?”  So Prometheus sneaks up to Mount Olympus and brings down fire to give to mankind, which is why we are the only creature who can make fire. This led to all sorts of other technological advances.  3 Zeus was way pissed and he said to Prometheus, “I’ll let you off this time, but don’t ever…”  Well, Prometheus didn’t listen to the rest off it, but he should have because Zeus really had a terrible temper.  So Prometheus pulls one more trick on Zeus.  Zeus decides he wants some sacrifices from the people – termites and horseshoe crabs he left alone – so Prometheus makes two piles of meat: one which is bloody and gory, but is actually porterhouse steaks and rib-roasts, and the other, which looks shiny and pretty, but is really the “beef by-products” you read about on dog food labels.  Naturally Zeus chooses the pretty but unappetizing pile, so after that, the Greeks sacrificed only the parts of the animal no one wanted to eat anyway. 4 When Zeus discovered he’d been given chitterlings when he could have had filet mignon, he was so displeased, he caused Prometheus to be chained to a mountain where every morning an eagle would come and eat out his liver.  Since Prometheus was immortal, the liver always grew back, and the next morning the eagle came and ate it again.  Prometheus was finally freed by Hercules, but he never got into trouble with Zeus again.  A few thousand years of having his guts eaten by a bird had taught him a lesson.

1. Don't you hate it when parents give their kids rhyming names?  Like naming two boys Jimmy and Timmy.  Why would you do that?
2. It goes without saying this story was written by humans.
3. Some eels can produce electricity, but they never learned to make iPods.
4. They also sacrificed a lot of brussels sprouts and pickled beets.

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