Some time back, I received an email from Dr Ms Cynthia Marcos, informing me that she had eighteen million (18,000,000) dollars US to disburse to charitable organizations, and requesting my assistance. Her latest missive, she now identifies herself as Ms Vanie R Oscar, follows along with my reply:
Thanks you for sending me your email and I thank you for your reply because i really appreciated your mail and i pray as you wish for me so it shall be with you and your family in Jesus Name. I want to assured you that you will have no regret on this transaction,all i ever want is for my goal to be achieved before death came calling,and whatever you do in this life God will reward you according to your behavior and you will be reward immediately the fund arrive in your bank account which i believe that God knows everything in this life,i will like you to send me your full details to start the processing for you to receive this fund ,my late husband is a philanthropist.
I will like you to receive the money in your bank account OR if you can travel down here to come and collect the fund by yourself then there is no problem and you can use the opportunity to see me in person and my lawyer will arrange every necessary documents for you to obtain a visa in your country over there and after you receive the fund you can use it to the charity people and orphan children around you and God will be with you as well.
I am very sick and l am plan to sign all the necessary document that will enable you to get power over it.i will like you to give me your full details below this message:
1. YOUR FULL NAME
2. YOUR HOME ADDRESS
3. YOUR AGE
4. YOUR OCCUPATION
5. YOUR COUNTRY
6. YOUR MOBILE NUMBER
7. YOUR IDENTIFICATION
Kindly give me these information so that i can send you the application form that you will fill and send it to the bank for the transfer the fund and you have to understand that the draft application form that you will use to contact the bank for the withdrawal will be sent to you and i will be very grateful if it is possible for you to withdraw the fund within a week.
I wait for your reply.
Mrs Vanie R Oscar
Dear Ms Oscar:
First let me say how sorry I am to hear about your illness. I hope it is not too painful and will not prevent you from drawing out the eighteen million (18,000,000) dollars US for me to disburse as mentioned in our last letter. I suppose it is owing to your extreme illness or unfamiliarity with our language, that you have such quaint ways of expressing yourself. The lower case /i/ used as a first-person pronoun went out with E E Cummings, and Archie the Cockroach (fictional persona of newspaperman, Don Marquis). Since I assume your intent is neither poetic, in the case of Cummings, nor whimsical, in the case of Archie, but straightforward, businesslike, and humanitarian, the uppercase /I/ is preferred. I dislike harping on these things, but sometimes your grammar is really quite confusing. For example when you state "death came calling," it implies you are already dead, which is certainly not the case. (If this email arrives after your death, my profoundest apologies.) Then again, when you state your "late husband is a philanthropist," it creates the most alarming impression imaginable. I hestitate to ask this, since I don't want to appear insensitive, but your country isn't riddled with zombies, is it? I only inquire because I am not entirely familiar with the Cotonou Benin Republic and for all I know, people continue philanthropic activities long after their demise.
But with regards to the eighteen million (18,000,000) dollars US, what portion of that might I retain for my own efforts consistent with the Will of God? You seem to invoke Him as a third party to this transaction, which is fine by me. Here in the US, we use God all the time, from presidential candidates of both parties to plumbers who stick little silver fish on their trucks. Nevertheless, if the Lord Almighty's mixed up in this somewhere, I don't want to risk overdoing it, compensation-wise. If it helps matters any, I myself am an orphan, though I only became one about ten years ago. I'm not aware of any age limit on orphanhood, and, moreover, my mother was a widow. In fact, if you examine the Martin family tree, you'll find it peppered pretty generously with orphans, widows, and widowers right up into the high branches. Misfortune, as you see, has dogged us for generations, so perhaps it's not inappropriate for me to take my small cut. Shall we say fifteen percent?
If that is agreeable, I hope the following information, per your request, will expedite the transfer of these funds:
1. YOUR FULL NAME: Emanuel (Man) Henry Martin, IV, PhD. (This moniker may seem over-doing it, but you asked for my full name, and I always believe in being thorough, don't you?)
2. YOUR HOME ADDRESS: I'm sorry, but in the past I've gotten in terrible, terrible trouble giving out this information. For example to the phone company, the electric company, and the credit card company, just to name a few. It's like those people expect to be paid every month.
3. YOUR AGE: I always tell people 39 :-)
4. YOUR OCCUPATION: World-famous and wide-spreadedly beloved author
5. YOUR COUNTRY: The US of A, the greatest country on earth, or at least one of the two greatest, right next to the Cotonou Benin Republic.
6. YOUR MOBILE NUMBER: Ah, there we have a sticky point. The problem with my mobile number is it's attached to a mobile phone. By "mobile phone," I mean one that's frequently mislaid. By "frequently" I mean right at this very moment. In any case, the battery's probably dead because I keep forgetting to charge it. It turns out a SmartPhone isn't much good unless you also have a reasonably SmartUser. A better plan would be to call my home phone; unfortunately, my wife has a tendency to answer the phone herself and it seems like whenever eighteen million (18,000,000) dollars US comes along, she does something to queer the deal. I don't blame her; she's naturally timid, and doesn't understand high finance like we do.
7. YOUR IDENTIFICATION: Well, I don't see why you need this. I already feel like I've known you for years, and I'm sure you feel the same. After all, I know your personal health details, that you are knocking on death's door (which side of the door is uncertain, ha-ha) and you know about my tragic orphanhood, mother's widowhood, and as much about the location of my cell phone as I do.
Perhaps after all, the best thing is for me to go "down there" as you suggest in the email. By "down there," I assume you mean south of my current location, unless there really is a zombie factor involved. I looked up Cotonou Benin Republic on Wikipedia and find it's in West Africa. My grasp of geography is somewhat uncertain. Is that anywhere near Cancun? My wife and I went there on vacation once, and at a place called Senor Frog's I believe I left my wallet and some other personal belongings I'm eager to have back. Why don't you send me your full name and address, and then we can proceed from there.
Eagerly awaiting the arrival of eighteen million (18,000,000) dollars US,